Are Not Quite Moms “Moms”?

“Not Quite Moms” are often stepmoms or adoptive moms who, while not biologically related to their children, still take on the role of mother in daily life. Yet, it can feel unfair to say we are not “moms” when we are the ones functioning as mom—especially when no other maternal figure is present. So why is our situation viewed so differently from that of stepmoms or adoptive moms?

Stepmoms

In most families, the role of stepmom assumes the biological mother is still present and active in the child’s life, often within a co-parenting arrangement. The stepmom occupies a unique role, distinct from the biological mom. Her involvement is shaped by both biological parents, and her relationship with the child can be complicated, rewarding, or a mixture of both. In this framework, the stepmom is not considered “mom.”

Adoptive Moms

For adoptive mothers, the situation is clearer. Even if a biological mother exists somewhere, she has legally relinquished her parental rights. The adoptive mom becomes the child’s legal and social mother, particularly when the adoption occurs at a young age. There is no ambiguity—she is “mom.”

Not Quite Moms

But for those of us who are what I call “Not Quite Moms,” the lines blur. Often, we step into the role of a mother after the biological mom has passed away. We are the only maternal figure in the child’s life, yet we are not fully recognized as “mom.” Unlike in adoption, the biological mother did not voluntarily relinquish her rights—her death left a void that others, particularly extended family, feel compelled to guard.

The Influence of Family and Society

Reactions from family and friends can vary widely. Some recognize that a child needs a devoted maternal figure, someone to provide love, safety, and stability. Others, however, resist. In my case, my late husband’s in-laws responded with hostility. They threatened my stepsons, warning them never to call me “mom” and even saying terrible things would happen if they did. They told my youngest son that if he called me “mom,” I would die just like his biological mother. They even threatened my husband and me if I were to adopt the boys. Unsurprisingly, they are no longer part of our lives.

Still, their influence lingers. My older stepson, who was nearly grown when his mother passed away, calls me stepmom—a title that feels right for him. But with my younger stepson, the situation is different. I am the only mother he truly remembers. At home, he sometimes calls me “mom.” At school, he introduces me as his mom to teachers and friends. He has told me that he wants a mom like all his friends—and he sees me as that person, even if others deny it.

My husband and I reassure him that he is free to choose. He has two moms: his mom in heaven and me. He can call me by my first name, by a special name we create together, or simply “mom.” Once, he jokingly called me “his woman.” After a laugh, my husband gently corrected him that this wasn’t appropriate.

Who Gets to Decide?

The late wife’s family and friends may insist that I am not the boys’ mother, but ultimately, that choice is not theirs to make. The truth is more complex. My role may never be fully defined by a single word, and my status may never satisfy everyone. But what matters most is how the boys see me—as someone who loves, nurtures, and protects them.

So, am I “mom”? Maybe yes, maybe no. Perhaps the real answer is that it isn’t about labels at all. It’s about the bond we share, and the fact that in their lives, I am here—and I am theirs.